Foreign Bound: Unfortunately Born in India

My neighbor Mehta's son is in Dubai. He is a Chemical Engineer by training but having failed to secure a job of his line he started exporting readymade garments to Dubai and one day, we learnt, he has exported himself also to Dubai. Mehta claims his son is a Chief Engineer in Dubai while ever so knowledgeable neighbors inform he is only a mechanic. Nonetheless, he is in Dubai. Dubai to an aspirant Indian means filthy rich Sheikhs. Toffee to trousers, Mehta now uses everything Made in Dubai. He can talk for hours convincing us how bad Indian toffees and trousers are and how they affect user's health. To strengthen his argument he quotes an Indian medico settled now in Abu Dhabi. Welcome to the special class of society who think they are UBI's (Unfortunately Born in India) and have all praise for foreign land than its own motherland.

Once upon a time, when Gandhiji had to first time go to England, he had to observe very strict vows and even then he was declared an outcaste. Today Gandhiji is no more and value system of his time also is no more. However, different version of vows, in keeping with the times, is existing even today - I will amass wealth by hook or crook. I will marry a wealthy Firang and marry another docile Indian girl through ad to be my dame nay maid. Today if you don't have a brother or son in a foreign country you are looked down upon in society as if you are some sort of a sinner.

In my office there was this gentleman Burhanpurkar who was in the habit of introducing himself and in the same breathe asking the person whether he had been to any foreign country. If the reply would be affirmative he would heave a sigh and compare wretched India and Indians to great France and French, Japan and Japanese as the case may be. In case the other person has been less fortunate and not been to any foreign country Burhanpurkar would give a list of countries he had visited. Later I learnt he had been to a Railway project in Baghdad for three months.

We had a Professor, Deen Dayal Chaturvedi in our college. When he went abroad, he left his Dhoti and Choti at the airport itself. Ten months later Prof. Chaturvedi in a smartly cut safari suit got down the ramp. His newly acquired names DD and Chats. For few weeks after his arrival, we kept wondering why he covered his nose with a hanky most of the time. Later we heard him share with his close colleagues that pollution level in India has crossed the unsafe mark. A friend of mine within one week of his landing in a foreign country wrote to me to immediately send him six copies of the Gita and Ramayana.

He disclosed that wherever he went people wanted to discuss with an Indian about various episodes of Ramayana and tenets of Gita but he had not the faintest idea of either.Times have changed, earlier people went as far as Rangoon looking for greener pastures and sang about it. We had songs in our Hindi films:

"Mera Piya gaye RangoonWahan se kiya hai telephoon"(My beloved has gone to Rangoon from there he makes calls to me on telephone)

Today beloveds go to States and communicate through fax. Before India attained freedom , Indians were largely going to countries such as Fiji, Mauritius and Africa but such foreign jaunts were devoid of an essential element called 'glamour'. After independence shipload of people emigrated to England, Australia and Canada. Direct from Ludhiana to London, Ahmedabad to Ottawa and Kerala to Canberra.During seventies USA's seventh fleet sailed towards Indian ocean sending waves of 'states boom' to all over India especially to Yuppies and IITs. Every second Indian was busy filling up visa forms. US embassy became a holy place of pilgrimage. USA was the very paradise on the earth.A family friend of ours had gone to USA. He brought a helmet complete with in-built headphone transistor.

It looked so very similar to the one worn by Neil Armstrong. We were as impressed by the helmet as were by the piece of moon's crust exhibited at USIS Delhi. It was sent by Uncle Sam to poor Indians who had by then seen the moon only in sky or in the romantic Urdu Poetry. There was this popular joke during seventies - India will soon become USA - now - that Americans will move over to the moon and Indian property dealer and Colonizers will simply grab and occupy USA which will be lying vacant and unclaimed. We are champion in encroachment be it train berth, foot paths of Delhi, sea shores of Bombay, railway platforms and archaeological ruins.When the number of settlers acquired alarming proportion it became an eye opener for USA and U.K. resulting in more stringent restrictions.

They realized that otherwise Indians by their sheer strength will outnumber them and take over England. Our Paul is already there. Americans also got worried. These brown Indians together with red Indians will soon make New Delhi of New York. They implemented green cards with red vigor.The decade of eighties was dedicated to Dubai. Nurse, Doctor, Mechanic, Actors, all were off to Dubai. Free citizens of India were shuttling between Sahar and Singapore with the ease of going to Safal vegetable outlet in the neighborhood. Later we learnt they were mere carriers like the one we have on our bicycles on which things are carried to and fro. It was a sight to see them return. Hired taxi would take them straight from airport to the village, they belonged to. Oversized two-in-one music system, VCR, fancy garments, lot of gold and ready money. Whole lot of village folks would assemble to see the booty and sigh with envy. This money was largely utilized in building bungalows and buying bridegrooms.

All of a sudden, there was a steep rise in the rates of masons and bridegrooms.Often people are heard saying that Indians are indirectly instrumental in re-unification of Germany. When West German Government saw so many Indians settling in their country they thought it wiser to open up and embrace their own poor brethrens living other side of the wall. They hastily demolished the wall.Nineties have witnessed unprecedented influx of foreigners into India prominent being Michael Jackson, Coca Cola and AK-47 but then that is another story.

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Herbal Chicken

Once upon a time, not long ago, we were made to learn by heart at least one essay in school. Often it used to be - India, an agriculture based nation (Krishi Pradhan Desh). Among other things, the essay used to contain exaggerated description of great mountain range, social tolerance, cultural integration and the holy rivers of India. Our glorious past was pressed in service any where and everywhere. We were like that unworthy nephew of a worthy uncle who flauntingly name dropped his uncle on every occasion.

Initially, obliquely in a hushed tone with jest and later with much solemnity it was proclaimed that India, actually, is a chair (read power) based nation (Kursi Pradhan Desh). The game of musical chair, vying for better and higher chair became so aggressive, people won't let the chair, once occupied, come what may, slip away from their posteriors. They applied variety of glue, Fevicol, Ereldite and what have you so that chair and they could become as inseparable as Siamese twins. They were so much smitten by their love for chair, they simply refused to die without one.

Necessity is mother of invention, hence, we invented hundreds of corporate bodies, development authorities corporations, societies and committees whose term was never enough to complete the assigned task. Chairperson always outgrows the commission to head yet another commission. A new class of politicians and administrators emerged who moved freely heading committee after committee with professional ease.

During seventies, there was a massive import (smuggling) of Disco-mania into India. Disco culture penetrated deep in us through whatever opening it could find. Masses also enjoyed disco-music, disco restaurants. Small towns and even country side had their share of Swadeshi disco through items such as disco bindi, disco bangles, disco shoes, disco slippers disco goggles, disco cigarettes and disco coach (Bombay to Goa). Sizzling seventies gave us two more turning points, film Bobby and bell-bottom but that is another story.

Exciting eighties brought revolution in two main areas transportation and packaging. Vehicles which had a waiting period of around ten years and mere booking them added sufficient snob value to your status, were now available off the shelf but there were no takers. Sheer variety of two wheelers more than succeeded in confusing the prospective buyers. Thanks to Japanese, they smiled, we cried, while paying the overdue installments.

In recent times no concept has gone deeper in our day to day life than that of packaging. From Sambhar (of Dosa fame) to milk, whisky, salted water (Gol-Gappa kind) ghee, oil you name it and it is available in poly packs. Our value system too got packaged in keeping with the times. Our, hitherto, solemn events such as marriage celebrations and obituary references came out with vulgar openness. Newspapers carry fancy ads for brides and grooms. The day is not far off when we will have M.Rs…. Marriage Representatives who will campaign door to door in their bid to bring together slim, fair, convent educated brides and tall, dark handsome green card holder computer engineers.

Naughty nineties saw en mass shift of beauty parlors from Connaught Place to backyard/barsati of Babu colonies. Indians have a rich tradition of decorating themselves (especially ladies). Thus, these parlors offered manicure, pedicure, oils, creams, face packs, lipo-suction, facelifts and cosmetic surgery of infinite variety. Howsoever good skin you possessed so far, beauty parlors found fault with it and promised to transform you in as beautiful as the current reigning cine actor/actress. No sooner this field got into cut throat competition, many a times, literally, thanks to cupid. Finding no other way out people went back to ancient Indian culture. Whenever you are confused and you find no answers … go back to ancient Indian culture. One is sure to find seemingly simplistic solution/solace from your present ills, which any way are largely of your own making. Thus, cut throat competition led to people's search for herbs.

A new slogan was coined - Be Indian Buy Indian. In our bid to buy Indian we went a little too far and ended up shopping politicians, bureaucrats, bridegrooms and discovered to our pleasant amazement that this poor lot was ever so eager to be bought. Our search to find something unique took us to so far little known hazy world of herbs. We were quick to realize that anything herbal would stand out among the 136 types of shampoos and 256 types of toilet soaps currently in the market. Hence, we have herbal with H capital in our household. Herbal tooth paste, herbal Kajal, herbal powder, herbal cream, herbal soap, herbal oil etc. Today you can sell soil of your kitchen garden in the name of herbal provided you know the art of packaging and marketing.

The latest is that hens have decided to lay Veggie eggs so that vegetarians also could savor without having to bother about guilt and religious sentiments. Hens also would be absolved of the charge of favoritism of catering to non-veg only). Subsequently, latest proposal is to launch a herbal chicken. You may wonder chicken and herbal, strange combination. Let me clarify a chicken which has rich Indian herbs as feed will have to be called a herbal chicken - no cheating this. If you can have desi chicken, broiler chicken why not herbal chicken. Next time you go shopping, insist for a herbal chicken and don't be surprised if you are actually offered one too.

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Outsourcing here also

On the morning of New Year’s Eve, while I was loafing on Main Street, I meet an old friend of mine.

“Hi!” I say.
“Hi,” he says, “where to?”
“Aimless loitering,” I say, “And you?”
My Friend Ankit: “I’m going to work.”
Me: “Work? This early? I thought your shift starts in the evening, or late at night. You work at a call center don’t you?”
Ankit: “Not now. I quit. I’m on my own now.”
Me: “On your own? What do you do?”
Ankit:“LPO.”
Me: “LPO? What’s that?”
Ankit: “Life Process Outsourcing.”
Me: “Life Process Outsourcing? Never heard of it!”
Ankit:“You’ve heard of Business Process Outsourcing, haven’t you?”
Me: “BPO? Outsourcing non-core business activities and functions.”
Ankit: “Precisely. LPO is similar to BPO. There it’s Business Processes which are outsourced, here it’s Life Processes.”
Me: “Life Processes? Outsourced?”
Ankit: “Why don’t you come along with me? I’ll show you.”

Soon we are in his office. It looks like a mini call center.

A young attractive girl welcomes us. “Meet Rita, my Manager,” my friend says, and introduces us.
Rita looks distraught, and says to my friend, “ I’m not feeling well. Must be viral fever.”
“No problem. My friend here will stand in.”
“What? I don’t have a clue about all this LPO thing!” I protest.
“There’s nothing like learning on thejob! Rita will show you.”
“It’s simple,” Rita says, in a hurry. “Seethe console. You just press the appropriate switch and route the call to the appropriate person or agency.” And with these words she disappears.
It’s the shortest training I have ever had in my life.

And so I plunge into the world of Life Process Outsourcing; or LPO as they call it.

It’s all very simple. Working people don’t seem to have time these days, but they have lots of money; especially those double income couples, IT nerds, MBA hot shots, finance wizards; just about everybody in the modern rat race.

‘Non-core Life Activities’, for which they neither have the inclination or the time – outsource them; so you can maximize your work-time to rake in the money and make a fast climb up the ladder of success.

“My niece daughter in her school. They want someone to pick her up and take her home. I’m busy in a shoot and just can’t leave,” a creative ad agency type says.
“Why don’t you tell your husband?” I say.
“Are you crazy or something. I’m a single mother.”
“Sorry ma’am. I didn’t know. My condolences.”
“Condolences? Who’s this? Is this LPO?”

“Yes ma’am,” I say, press the button marked ‘children’ and transfer the call, hoping I have made the right choice. Maybe I should have pressed ‘doctor’. Nothing happens for the next few moments. I breathe a sigh of relief.

A yuppie wants his grandmother to be taken to a movie. I press the ‘movies’ button. ‘Movies’ transfers the call back, “Hey, this is for movie tickets; try ‘escort services’. He wants the old hag escorted to the movies.”

‘Escort Services’ are in high demand. These guys and girls, slogging in their offices minting money, want escort services for their kith and kin for various non-core family processes like shopping, movies, eating out, sight seeing, marriages, funerals, all types of functions; even going to art galleries, book fairs, exhibitions, zoos, museums or even a walk in the nearby garden.

A father wants someone to read bedtime stories to his small son while he works late. A busy couple wants proxy stand-in ‘parents’ at the school PTA meeting. An investment banker rings up from Singapore; he wants his mother to be taken to pray in a temple at a certain time on a specific day. Someone wants his kids to be taken for a swim, brunch, a play and browsing books and music.

An IT project manager wants someone to motivate and pep-talk her husband, who’s been recently sacked, and is cribbing away at home demoralized. He desperately needs someone to talk to, unburden himself, but the wife is busy – she neither has the time nor the inclination to take a few days off to boost the morale of her depressed husband when there are deadlines to be met at work and so much is at stake.

The things they want outsourced range from the mundane to the bizarre; life processes that one earlier enjoyed and took pride in doing or did as one’s sacred duty are considered ‘non-core life activities’ now-a-days by these highfalutin people.

At the end of the day I feel illuminated on this novel concept of Life Process Outsourcing, and I am about to leave, when suddenly a call comes in.

“LPO?” a man asks softly.
“Yes, this is LPO. May I help you?” I say.
“I’m speaking from Frankfurt Airport. I really don’t know if I can ask this?” he says nervously.
“Please go ahead and feel free to ask anything you desire, Sir. We do everything.”
“Everything?”

“Yes, Sir. Anything and everything!” I say.

“I don’t know how to say this. This is the first time I’m asking. You see, I am working 24/7 on an important project for the last few months. I’m globetrotting abroad and can’t make it there. Can you please arrange for someone suitable to take my wife out to the New Year’s Eve Dance?”

I am taken aback but quickly recover, Yes, Sir.”
Please send someone really good, an excellent dancer, and make sure she enjoys and has a good time. She loves dancing and I just haven’t had the time.”
“Of course, Sir.I said to him
And I told you – I’ve been away abroad for quite some time now and I’ve got to stay out here till I complete the project.” he says
“I know. Work takes top priority.” I say
“My wife friend. She’s been lonely. She desperately needs some love. Do you have someone with a loving and caring nature who can give her some love? I just don’t have the time. You understand what I’m saying, don’t you?” he says

I let the words sink in. This is one call I am not going to transfer. “Please give me the details, Sir,” I say softly into the mike.

As I walk towards my destination with a spring in my step, I feel truly enlightened. Till this moment, I never knew that love was a non-core life process worthy of outsourcing.

Long Live Life Process Outsourcing!

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My dates with Dentist

I had just stepped into a dentist office and I read this inspiring quote ‘To extract is human but to restore is divine’.

That sums up the dreary dictum of dentists. Have we ever come back from a dentist hearing good news about our teeth? No! It’s always bad news. Dentistry means drilling, filling and billing.
Everyone dreads a dentist’s chair. It is the second worst fear after public speaking. My dates with dentists date back to my childhood. I was just eight and was sitting on that dentist’s chair and he said sweetly, ‘Hi son, open your mouth, Let me see if you have fine teeth.’
And I opened – ‘AAAHHHHH!’
He started examining my teeth and suddenly I bit his fingers.
He was screaming in pain. My father rushed in and asked, ‘Why did you do it my son?’
I just pointed to the name board–‘Dr Ghazanfar, Painless Dentist’.

I had just a cavity in my molar tooth. He made a mountain out that molar inventing four more. He then asked my father what kind of filling he should use. Hearing it,

I snapped back- ‘Chocolate or Ice cream filling please!’ On my next date, he informed my father that a tooth needed extraction.

My father asked, ‘What is the fee doctor?’

He said ‘Fifty rupees.’

My penny-pinching father made a bargain note- ‘Doctor, Fifty rupees for just five minutes of job!’

The dentist retorted dauntlessly, ‘I can extract slowly, if you want’.

When I was 20, I had my first root canal treatment. The dentist kept on digging and digging and finally the canal became as wide as the Suez Canal. He then said I needed a bridge to fill the gap. I felt like telling I cannot pay the toll.

Fed up, I enquired him- ‘Doctor, don’t you get tired of spending the whole day with your hands in my mouth?’

He said, ‘No, my son, I just think that I am putting my hands in your wallet’.

I then realized that all dentists lead a hand-to- mouth existence. A dentist is like a magician who, having put metal in your mouth pulls coins from your pocket.

Recently I took my girl friend to a dentist.
While she was getting ready to leave, I told her the story of a couple who went to meet a dentist. When the couple reached the dentist's office,
the man who was in a big hurry told the dentist: ‘Doctor, no fancy stuff! No painkillers please! Just pull the tooth and get it over with!’

The dentist looked at him admiringly and said, ‘ I wish all my patients had your courage. Good! Now, show me your tooth’.

The man suddenly turned to his wife, ‘Honey, show your tooth’.

Well, I reassured my wary girlfriend that it would be a painless one.

My girlfriend sat on the chair and the dentist started examining her teeth. Suddenly my friend uttered a huge cry.

Surprised, the doctor remarked ‘Madam, I have not started drilling yet’. ‘
Doctor, you are standing on my feet’, my friend screamed back.
‘Oops!’ he apologized and continued his examination. Suddenly he made a diagnostic shriek ‘Caries! Caries!’
Confused, my friend responded shyly ‘No, I am not carrying doctor’. ‘I meant dental caries!’ clarified the dentist.
I felt concerned about the examination and asked him ‘Do you extract tooth painlessly?’

He looked at me and said, ‘Not always, the other day I nearly dislocated my wrist pulling a tooth’.
At last, he pulled out her tooth without getting on her nerves further.
When I saw the bill I was shocked, as he had charged 400 Rupees. I confronted him- ‘Doctor, this is four times your normal fee for a tooth extraction’.
The dentist explained, ‘Yes, I know. But her scream scared away four patients from my waiting room’.

No wonder dentists are driven to extortion… I mean extraction. When a dentist makes an extraction, you hope he pulls the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth. If it is wrong, it is ‘acci-dental’. If it is right, it is ‘inci-dental’.
Incidentally my father had all his teeth extracted when he was seventy. A week later I asked him, ‘Papa, how do you feel after extracting all your teeth?’
He said ‘Terrible my son, terrible! I will never do it again’.
Last month, I had my final sitting with my dentist.
He was examining my molar teeth and said, ‘My God, It is a big cavity! It is a big cavity!’. Annoyed, I told him ‘You don’t have to repeat it’.
He said, ‘I didn’t repeat it. It was an echo coming from there!’
Unaware of my many dates with dentists, my friend Waheed poked into my mouth last week and said ‘Hey PGR, you have very fine teeth!.
I said, ‘They are all mine, I have the bills from Al Mana hospital.’
I have now decided to distance myself from dentists to avoid getting bored to tears and filled with fillers.

If I have yellow teeth, I just wear a brown tie to give me an ‘occi-dental’ touch or just practice ‘tras-dental’ medication.

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Engineers & Doctors-SHAANA KAUN?

7 Engineers and 7 Doctors are going from PUNE to Mumbai. So all of them gather at Pune Station. Both groups are desperately trying to prove their superiority.

SCENE 1 (PUNE- MUMBAI) :7 engineers take only 1 Ticket and 7 doctors buy all 7 tickets..Doctors are desperately waiting for TC to come……When TC arrives, All 7 Engineers get in one toilet SO when TC knocks, one hand comes out with the ticket and the TC goes away….Doctors say “Dekh lenge”NOW on return Journey All of them don’t get a direct train to PUNE.So they all decide to take a Passenger till Lonavala, as from there they can easily get a LOCAL to PUNE

SCENE 2 (MUMBAI - LONAVALA) :Doctors decided, “this time we will prove that we too are equally SHAANE”….All 7 Doctors take 1 Ticket, Engineers don’t buy any ticket at all!!!!!..

TC arrives…. ALL DOCTORS IN ONE TOILET.ALL ENGINEERS IN THE OPPOSITE ONE..One engineer gets out and knocks the door of Doctors toilet, One hand comes with the tickets, he takes the ticket and comes in engg Bathroom…TC DRIVES out ALL the doctors from the toilet and they are heavily fined……..

SCENE 3 ( LONAVALA) :SO now both the group are on LONAVALA station. Doctors planning their move for last chance, they board the local to Pune.This time doctors decide that they will play the same (1 ticket ) trick.ALL Doctors take 1 tickets…Engineers BUY all 7 tickets this time…SO TC Comes.. All Engineers show their tickets….. & Doctors are still searching for toilet in the LOCAL train!!!!!!!!

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Wife Installation

INSTALLING WIFE version 1.0

CAUTION: Extremely Powerful Software. It Controls the Whole System.

* When installing this s/w, additional s/w like Mother-in-law 1.0 and Father-in-law 1.0 will be automatically installed in ur system. * Wife 1.0 may detect s/w like Girl friends 1.0,2.0,3.0 etc as viruses and try to uninstall it.

* Do not install Wife 2.0 over Wife 1.0 for this may corrupt the system.

* Applications like Smoking 5.2, Drinking 6.7 , Parties 2.0 may stop working abruptly.

* Service Packs like Jewels 1, Flower 2, Sarees 3may be added for the smooth functioning of Wife 1.0.

* Resources like Time, Money would be occupied

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Man Vs Woman

1.successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

2. Men wake up as good-looking as when they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

3. A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.

4. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

5. There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman- before and after marriage.

6. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

7. To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

8. Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing

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9 words women use

Nine words women use1.) Fine :This is the word women use to end an argument when they areRight and you need to shut up.

2.) Five Minutes : If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour.Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five moreMinutes to watch the game before helping around the house

.3.) Nothing : This is the calm before the storm. This means something,And you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothingUsually end in fine.

4.) Go Ahead : This is a dare, not permission. Don’t Do It!

5.) Loud Sigh : This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statementoften misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are anidiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguingwith you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)6.) That’s Okay : This is one of the most dangerous statements a womencan make to a man. That’s okay means she wants to think long and hardbefore deciding how and when .

7) Thanks : A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just sayyou’re welcome.

8.) Whatever : Is a women’s way of saying Get lost.

9.) Don’t worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaningthis is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, butis now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking ‘What’swrong?’ For the woman’s response refer to #3..

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During Surgery

Things You Don't Want to Hear During Surgery:

Maa Kaali Pehla Operation Hai Bali Samajh ke le lena

Oops! Has anyone seen my watch?

That was some party last night. I can't remember when I've been that drunk.

Damn! Page 47 of the manual is missing!Well this book doesn't say that...

What edition is your manual?OK, now take a picture from this angle.

This is truly a freak of nature.Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.

Come back with that! Bad Dog!

Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?

Hand me that...uh...that uh.....thingie

Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?

Damn, there go the lights again...

Ya know, there's big money in kidneys.

Hell, the guy's got two of 'em.

Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!

Could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing my concentration off.

I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses.

Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.

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Denist Jokes

1. patient asked the dentist, if it wasn’t nasty to be all the day with the hands in someone's mouth.The dentist answered "I just think of it as having my hands in their wallet."

2.patient asked the dentist, if it wasn’t nasty to be all the day with the hands in someone's mouth.The dentist answered "I just think of it as having my hands in their wallet."

3.Dentists can be frustrating. You wait a month-and-a-half for an appointment, and they say, "I wish you'd come to me sooner

4A husband and wife entered the dentist's office. The husband said,"I want a tooth pulled.I don't want gas or Novocain because I'm in a terrible hurry.Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible.""You're a brave man," said the dentist. "Now, show me which tooth it is."The husband turns to his wife and says,"Open your mouth and show the dentist which tooth it is, dear

5.A woman phoned her dentist when she received a huge bill. "I'm shocked!" she complained."This is three times what you normally charge.""Yes, I know," said the dentist. "But you yelled so loud, you scared away two other patients

6. dentist friend of mine had a T-shirt which said on the front: Let me put my tool in your mouth... and on the back: ...and I will fill your cavity

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Plastic Surgeon & Dentist

Patient to Dentist: "How much to get my teeth straightened?""

Twenty thousand bucks" Patient heads for the door.

Dentist to patient: "Where are you going?""To a plastic surgeon to get my mouth bent."

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Dentist

A patient sits in the dental chair with severely fractured front teeth. After discussing how they will be restoredand what the fee would be the patient says, " Before we begin, Doc, I gotta know: Will I be able to play the trumpetwhen you are finished? "The dentist replies " Sure you will! "The patient replies " Great, I couldn't play a note before! "

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Medical Definitions

Benign: What you be after you be eight.
Artery: The study of paintings.
Bacteria: Back door to cafeteria.
Barium: What doctors do when patients die.
Cesarean Section: .A neighborhood in Rome.
Catscan: Searching for kitty.
Cauterize: Made eye contact with her.
Colic: A sheep dog.
Coma: A punctuation mark.
D & C: Where Washington is.
Dilate: To live long.
Enema: Not a friend.
Fester: Quicker than someone else.
Fibula: A small lie.
Genital: Non-Jewish person.
G. I. Series: World Series of military baseball.
Hangnail: What you hang your coat on.
Impotent: Distinguished, well known.
Labor Pain: Getting hurt at work. to be continued....

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Taare Zameen Par

मैं कभी बतलाता नहीं... पर semester से डरता हूँ मैं माँ ...यूं तो मैं दिखलाता नहीं ...

grades की परवाह करता हूँ मैं माँ ..तुझे सब है पता ....है न माँ

किताबों में ...यूं न छोडो मुझे..chapters के नाम भी न बतला पाऊँ माँ वह भी तो ...इतने सारे हैं....याद भी अब तो आ न पाएं माँ ...क्या इतना गधा हूँ मैं माँ ..क्या इतना गधा हूँ मैं माँ ..जब भी कभी ..invigilator मुझे ..जो गौर से ..आँखों से घूरता है माँ ...मेरी नज़र ..ढूंढे qstn paper...सोचूं यही ..कोई सवाल तो बन जायेगा.....उनसे में ...यह कहता नहीं ..बगल वाले से टापता हूँ मैं माँ

चेहरे पे ...आने देता नहीं...दिल ही दिल में घबराता हूँ माँ तुझे सब है पता .. है न माँ ..तुझे सब है पता ..है न माँ ..मैं कभी बतलाता नहीं... par semester से डरता हूँ मैं माँ ...यूं तो मैं दिखलाता नहीं ... grades की परवाह करता हूँ मैं माँ ..तुझे सब है पता ....है न माँ तुझे सब है पता ....है न माँ

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Salary Theorem

Salary Theorem" states that"Engineers and Scientists can never earn as much as Business Executives and Sales People." This theorem can now be supported by a mathematical equation based on the following two postulates:

1. Knowledge is Power.

2. Time is Money.As every engineer knows:Power = Work / Time

Since:Knowledge = PowerTime = Money

It follows that:Knowledge = Work/Money.

Solving for Money, we get:Money = Work / Knowledge.

Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity, regardless of the amount of work done.

Conclusion:The less you know,the more you make.

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Answer These

Q. What did God say after creating AdamA. I must be able to do better than that. Q. How do you get a man to do sit-ups?A. Put the remote control between his toes.Q. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?A. A widow.Q. Why does it take 1 million sperm cells to fertilize one egg?A. They won't stop to ask for directions.Q. Why does a penis have a hole in the end?A. So men can be open minded.Q. How are men and parking spots alike?A. Good ones are always taken. Free ones are mostly handicapped or extremely small.Q. What is the one thing that all men at single bars have in common?A. They are all married.

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Wedding Reherseal

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer: "Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to the part where I'm supposed to promise to 'love, honor and obey' and 'be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that out." He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied. On the day of the wedding, when it came time for the groom's vows, the pastor looked the young man in the eye and said: "Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life, and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?" The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes," then leaned toward the pastor and hissed: "I thought we had a deal." The pastor put a $100 bill into the groom's hand and whispered: "She made me a better offer

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Spaghetti!!

A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for a few years.One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant.Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to have the child. If she stayed in Italy,he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.She agreed, but wondered how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to mail him a post card, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for child support.One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife."Honey," she said, "you received a very strange post card today.""Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said.The wife obeyed, and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.On the card was written "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without."

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Memory Class

An elderly couple had been experiencing declining memories, so they decided to take a power memory class where one is taught to remember things by association. A few days after the class, the old man was outside talking with his neighbor about how much the class helped him. "What was the name of the Instructor?" asked the neighbor. "Oh, ummmm, let's see," the old man pondered. "You know that flower, you know, the one that smells really nice but has those prickly thorns, what's that flower's name?" "A rose?" asked the neighbor. "Yes, that's it," replied the old man. He then turned toward his house and shouted, "Hey, Rose, what's the name of the Instructor we took the memory class from?"

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BOB

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife wasreally pissed.She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in thedriveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife wokeup, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a boxgift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, broughtthe box back in the house.She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.Bob has been missing since Friday.

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